At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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