Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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