Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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