Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
