If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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