oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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