And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
