I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
