it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
