My cat gives me a boner
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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