I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
