i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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