I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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