The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
the liver wants what the liver wants
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
