don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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