I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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