your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
