you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
