Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I smell stomach acid.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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