Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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