Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
