I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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