Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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