Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
