god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
