We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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