if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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