I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
