So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
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I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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