last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
