I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
