My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
