dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
