I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
