My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
