I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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