I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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