I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
organizing the empties. That sober.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
