if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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