I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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