i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
