No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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