he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
