Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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