I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
