I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Buhtt sex?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
