my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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