i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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