I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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