Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i would punch a child for taco bell
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
