We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
