Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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