i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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